As part of my job, I attend many events around my city. all of these events usually include some sort of alcohol, so you just know it's going to be a fucking disaster, regardless of who, what, or where.
it's just a matter of when.
I have always been a people watcher, because people fascinate me in the worst way possible. put me in a food court in a busy mall? I'll be entertained for days watching shamu spill poutine all over her lap. Heavy traffic? no problem, I'm watching prius delve into the abyss of his nostril as discretely as possible, but I see you brother, and i can't decide if I'm disgusted or impressed.
I've gotten quite good at observing people while attending these events, and I have come to the basic conclusion that the human race is a disgusting, disgusting breed. one glass of champagne and all social etiquette gets thrown out the window.
now I am all for having fun, and don't get me wrong, I've had my nights where I have literally been no-friends-drunk, so I don't know if I'm writing this from a place of jealousy, or a place of wise observation, but i have had a lot of experience, and am here to make you a better person.
I have created a guide for you assholes, on how to attend a swanky event. you can thank me later when a) you didn't get fired for slapping your bosses ass b) you didn't eat your weight in brie cheese and salt-less crackers, and c) you didn't drink all the alcohol in the building and wake up to genital herpes. So here we go.
HOW TO ATTEND A SWANKY EVENT:
1. you will be offered champagne. one glass is enough. end of conversation.
2. there will be a table of cheese. go there first and load up before everyone gets too drunk and breathes on it. the brie will melt into funny shapes, and the cheddar will start to perspire, and nobody likes cheese that's been ransacked by a bunch of drunken assholes.
3. gentleman: if you look like you walked out of a 1985 Sears catalogue, you're doing it wrong. unwrap the god damn sweater from your shoulders and leave that shit in the car. it doesn't make you sophisticated, it makes you look like mr rogers shit on your life.
4. ladies: at no point is it ever acceptable to take your shoes off at the event. if you can't commit to the 5 inchers you began with, you can go sit down in the corner until the event is over and think about what you did. nobody needs to see that shit.
5. there will be a man with a blue tooth in his ear and pager hanging off his khakis. avoid him at all costs. he will tell you how important and awesome he is, crack a mediocre joke that will leave you feeling obligated to laugh, just so he doesn't commit suicide later, and will then proceed to ask you out. you can kindly reject him, but you will find yourself accidently locking eyes with him throughout the rest of the evening. he will misinterpret this for you wanting to have sex with him.
6. if your boss is in attendance, a quick "how do you do" is all that is required. do not make any jokes, you're drunk and he doesn't even think you're funny when you're sober.
7. your teeth and lips will begin to darken with every glass of red wine you drink and sober people will begin to judge you. On a scale of 1 to rehab, I suggest stopping at 2.5 glasses. (this is the transition period from the "feeling it" to the "lets chain smoke outside" stage, yet not quite the "horny enough to have sex with the bluetooth guy" stage.)
8. ladies: don't ever drink enough that you are horny enough to have sex with the bluetooth guy.
9. gentlemen: don't ever wear a bluetooth. women wont have sex with you.
and finally..
10. don't ever be the first or last to leave. first = you're in an unhappy marriage, and last = annoying as fuck to the janitorial staff who already hate their lives for having to clean up sweaty cheese from the floor. time this accordingly.
So there you have it, all my knowledge in a nutshell. so help me god if i see any of you fuck this up.
..and I'm serious about the champagne. that shit will getchya.
xoxo, the damsel
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