it's recently occurred to me that i am somewhat on the pathway to adulthood, which i was never really aware of until i found myself buying stove-top cleaner the other day.
because i really do love you guys, i wanted to prep you early to prevent this from sneaking up on you like it did for me - so next time you're on WebMD looking for answers as to why you are tired allthefuckingtime, i'll tell you right now - it's not AIDS.
here are some sure signs and symptoms that (i'm so sorry to say) you are becoming an adult:
1. you actually scrape your windshield in the winter, rather than spraying 3 gallons of anti-freeze on it in hopes of melting away the dick that is winter, because god knows you gotta pay for that shit yourself, and can't just fill up in daddy's garage no 'mo.
2. words like "fiscal" are added to your frequently used vocab, and you sign your emails with "kind regards" instead of "f-ck off, Felicia"
3. people start trusting you with their kids that they had on purpose (..why is it not moving? someone poke it)
4. the amount of happiness that cancelled Friday night plans brings you is alarming, and sadness comes in a new form called excel spreadsheets, which you will literally have a cerebral aneurism over
5. you start to acknowledge that you have a texting-while-drinking problem, and leave your cellphone at home on nights that you plan on sleeping on the sidewalk
6. instead of accidently making enough to feed the entire cul-de-sac + their dog, you've mastered how many spaghetti noodles to boil for a one person meal
7. you stop shopping at forever 21 because you're over the clothes shrinking to size booster-seat after one wash, and forever-getting-cellulite just doesn't have the same ring to it
8. you're scared of teenagers
9. all of your money is spent on mortgage payments and cheese
10. you refrain from buying Justin Bieber tickets because your adult morals don't align with his childish actions (just kidding - you would buy tickets but you're poor because you spent your money on mortgage payments and cheese)
if you answered yes to any or all of these, you may no longer be full-retard and have entered into adult world. CONGRATSNOT! you may now buy a vacuum and talk about the economy with your neighbor over a light cocktail, but only 1 because you work at 7 o'clock in the morning.
Cheers!
xoxo, the damsel
hilarity!
ReplyDelete